Robinson Crusoe – School Report

The Devil

Heaven High Higher High School

Name of Pupil: DEVIL, The

Age: Infinite

I hereby confirm that The Devil is expelled from Heaven for continued misbehaviour over a long period of time – ever since the school was created, in fact.

It is no exaggeration to say that he has made life absolute hell for us all.

The little misdemeanours, by turning up the school central heating system to full blast, or poking the headmaster in the backside with his three pronged fork were bad enough.

But his continued tormenting of other pupils cannot de forgiven. Grumbleweed in the third form was one of the worst cases. Devil had him boiled in oil, six days a week, for a whole term. Even the point that Devil made to show his good side that at least he’d allowed Grumbleweed out to play for the school rugby XV on Sunday mornings was no defence whatsoever. Can YOU imagine what it was like playing rugby after being boiled in oil all week?

Yesterday’s escapade was the final straw. All creatures in Heaven must be respected; that is the school rule. And yet Devil, in complete and utter disregard of this rule, killed one of the friendly creatures in the school pond. Even worse, he extracted the creature’s molars and ate them for his supper.

Enough! The Devil is expelled! Let him go to where such behaviour is tolerated to where there is whaling and gnashing of teeth.

St. Michael

Head of 5th Year