Dick Turpin – School Report


Name of Pupil: TURPIN, Richard

Age: 13

Subject: Good Citizenship

Richard certainly has a long way to go if he is to make progress in this subject.

Good Citizenship is about learning to live in peace and harmony with your neighbour. It is unfortunate, I grant you, that Richard’s complexion is less than perfect. Being called ‘Spotted Dick’ by one’s neighbour does not exactly encourage peace and harmony.

However, the fact that one is being called names does not give one an excuse to act in the appalling manner that we have seen from Richard of late. He has become nothing less than a highwayboy.

His method is quite simple. He searches for a victim by galloping around the playground on his trusty steed, Black Bess. The fact that Bess is one of the stronger girls in school and doesn’t seem to mind spending her lunch breaks dressed in a bin liner is neither here nor there. Good Citizenship is about being kind to one’s neighbour, not frightening them on a neigh girl. Besides which, Richard’s spurs are making holes in Bess’s cardigan.

Neither is it Good Citizenship to threaten these victims with harm if they refuse to hand over something of value. As I recently pointed out to Richard, Good Citizenship is a matter of give and take.

What was his reply? ‘That must make me a Good Citizen, Miss, ‘cos I give ’em one in the eye and then I take what I want!’ Clearly the boy has a long way to go before he’s grasped the essentials in this area.

After his experience this morning Mr Bramwell, our Headmaster, will undoubtedly agree with me. Accompanied by Mrs Bramwell, he arrived at school only to be met at the gates by Richard demanding: ‘Stand and deliver! Your money, or your wife!’

Really, this will not do. Richard must try a lot harder to get the hang of this subject. And Mr Bramwell wants Mrs Bramwell back by the start of next term, please.

M. Bezzlement
Form Mistress