Lucrezia Borgia – School Report

Lucrezia Borgia

Cordon Bleu Cookery School

Name of Pupil: BORGIA, Lucrezia

Age: 10

Subject: Cookery

I have found Lucrezia to be extremely moody during cookery classes. One minute she’ll be as nice as pie, the next she’ll have an attack of sour grapes. No wonder she doesn’t seem to mix very well.

The other children certainly don’t find Lucrezia’s behaviour to their taste, and I can’t say I blame them.

Last week I discovered her slipping some poisonous toadstools into Luigi Pettigrew’s mushroom omelette. Talk about a recipe for disaster! If Luigi had taken it home his whole family would have had their chips.

Lucrezia’s attitude to the incident I found particularly hard to stomach. I grilled her for some time about it and all I got in return was a lot of sauce. ‘I couldn’t care a fig,’ she said. Well, I made it quite clear to Lucrezia that if she did anything like it ever again she’d really find herself in the soup. Hopefully that gave her food for thought.

Certainly she worked very hard on the jelly-making exercise I set this morning without too much success, I’m sorry to say. Having just tasted Lucrezia’s jelly, I’m rapidly coming to the conclusion that she has little aptitude (or should I say apti-chewed, ha ha!) for cookery. Her jelly has a most peculiar flay aaaaaaaagggggghh…!


Mrs R.I.P. Hot Pot