SHERWOOD FOREST SENIOR SCHOOL
Name of Pupil: HOOD, Robin
I am in receipt of your letter requesting a character reference for Robin Hood, prior to his forthcoming appearance before you at the Magistrates Court on 87 charges of demanding money with menaces.
Much as it grieves me to admit such a thing about a pupil of this school, I can find virtually nothing to say in Hood’s defence. The boy is a thoroughly nasty piece of work.
Despite countless floggings, Hood’s gang of ‘thugs’ (they call themselves Hoodlums), I understand has terrorised the junior pupils for as long as I can remember.
I expect that their names are already well known to your juvenile delinquent department: the boy John Little, for instance, enjoys nothing better than whacking first formers behind the ear with that wooden stave he carries everywhere; and the fat boy Tuck, of course, can empty another lad’s sandwich box in the twinkling of an eyelid.
Hood is the worst, though. I had hoped that he was going to improve. A new girl seemed to have taken his eye and I thought that he might calm down. Quite the opposite, I am afraid; Marion just seems to have Maid him worse.
No, I am sorry my Lord Under Sheriff: the boy Hood is an unpleasant piece of boyhood. In my opinion you would be well advised to deal with him severely. A few thousand hours community service, clearing litter from the forest, say, is what he needs.
P.S. Do not be fooled by Hood’s usual story, that he robs the rich to give to the poor. He’s had money off some of the richest little herberts in this school and he’s never given me a penny of it.