Worzel Gummidge – School Report

Worzel Gummidge


Name of Pupil: GUMMIDGE, Worzel

Age: 12

Worzel is driving me up the pole, mainly because he’s never up his.

He really must remember that he is a trainee scarecrow. If he doesn’t work hard he’ll find himself pulled to bits and his straws sold. I’m sure he wouldn’t fancy finishing his days in a thousand milkshakes. That would be a very sticky end.

It’s not as if he’s stupid. He’s not …well, at least not when his various heads are working properly. It’s just that they seem to be stuffed with the wrong things.

Worzel’s history head, for instance. It keeps on saying things like, ‘History isn’t what it was, you know,’ and ‘History is out of date.’ His geography head is a little bit better, but saying things like ‘Geography is where it’s at, man,’ doesn’t add much to class discussion.

The worst time is when he’s got his witty head on. Then we get comments like, ‘Chemistry stinks’ and ‘Geometry is for squares.’ He was wearing it the other day in the Maths lesson when I told him he should ask if he got stuck, not just sit there. And what was his reply? ‘I bet Pythagoras used to suck his theorem.’

No, it’s not good enough. Worzel has got to try much harder if he wants to get ahead.