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MOTHER: How was your first day at school?
PUPIL: OK, except for some bloke called Sir, who kept spoiling the fun.

TEACHER: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
PUPIL: I didn’t even know it was ill.

`Son!’ roared his father. `Come here! What’s all this about? Your teacher says he finds it impossible to teach you anything!’
`I told you he was no good,’ said his son.

PUPIL: But, sir, I don’t think I deserve to get nought for my homework.
TEACHER: You don’t, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

TEACHER: If I had four apples in my right hand and five apples in my left hand, what have I got?
PUPIL: Awfully big hands, sir.

TEACHER: Why weren’t you in school yesterday?
PUPIL: I was sick, sir.
TEACHER: Sick of what?
PUPIL: Sick of school.

TEACHER: Who let the air out of the bus tyre?
PUPIL: The nail did, sir!

TEACHER: What are you reading?
PUPIL: I dunno.
TEACHER: But you’re reading aloud.
PUPIL: I know, but I’m not listening.

TEACHER: What would you say if I came to school with a face like yours?
PUPIL: I’d be too polite to mention it.

PUPIL: Miss, I ain’t got a pencil.
TEACHER: No, not ain’t. I haven’t got a pencil, they haven’t got a pencil, we haven’t got a pencil, you haven’t got a pencil.
PUPIL: Gosh, miss, what’s happened to all the pencils?