Guy Fawkes – School Report

Guy Fawkes


Name of Pupil: FAWKES, Guy

Age: 12

Dear Mr and Mrs Fawkes,

I’m afraid a rather unpleasant incident blew up today involving your son, Guy.

As you may be aware, today was our Open Day. Guy’s task was to meet visitors arriving by car, and to guide them quickly to the official parking areas. Once there, he was to collect a 25p parking fee, in aid of school funds.

I’m sorry to tell you that Guy quite flagrantly disobeyed these two simple rules.

Firstly, he did not guide visitors quickly on one occasion I followed him as he led a rather ancient car to the parking area. He positively dawdled, spending most of the time chatting idly to the driver about his vehicle. For instance, I distinctly heard him say, ‘I bet it goes like a bomb.’ The boy was talking nonsense; the thing was a dreadful old banger.

Worse was to come, however. When finally they arrived at the parking spot your son not only took the 25p fee but asked for a tip. Again, I heard it with my own ears. Holding out his hand he asked, ‘Penny for the guide, mister?’

I exploded, I’m afraid, and told Guy that his behaviour was deplorable. I hope you agree with me and trust that you, too, will give him a piece of your mind. It will do him no harm at all to get another rocket.

Yours sincerely,

B. Feater Headmaster.