Ben Hur – School Report

Ben Hur


Name of Pupil: HUR, Ben

Age: 13


The results of the Chariot Driving Proficiency Test, which your son was encouraged to take as part of last term’s Road Safety Campaign, are now available.

I am sorry to say that Ben was not successful. For your information, the examiner’s comments are reproduced below.

BASIC CHARIOT MAINTENANCE: Poor. The chariot’s wheels were in a terrible condition. Hur only spoke up when I pointed this out to him. Then he agreed with me that they were the hub of the problem.

HORSE POWER: Inadequate. The chariot was being pulled by his miserable mother and three of his crotchety aunts. This was not good enough. Chariots are heavy vehicles, and need to be pulled by something better than four old nags.

CONTROL: Erratic. Went round every corner on one wheel, claiming that it made the tyres last twice as long. Regularly drove one-handed and sometimes no-handed. This was appalling. A good driver knows how important it is to take care in the rein.

CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER ROAD USERS: None at all. Ben regarded any faster moving chariot’s attempt to overtake as a personal insult, to be rebuffed by running the unfortunate driver through with his sword. When I asked him to justify this lack of tolerance, he said, ‘It’s called a duel carriageway, ennit?’

KNOWLEDGE OF THE HIGHWAY CODE: Nonexistent. He thought a red traffic light meant that everything would stop for him, and his idea of a road sign was to shake his fist at anybody who didn’t.

OVERALL PERFORMANCE: Quite dreadful. Mark my words, the boy is going to be in some very nasty pile ups if his driving doesn’t improve.

I can just see him ending up in hospital and the rest of us having to have a whip round to buy him a present.

Fordus Escortus