Tarzan – School Report



Name of Pupil: TARZAN

Age: 13

Dear Mr and Mrs Orangutan,

I write to you in your capacity as guardians of young Tarzan.

Please would you ensure that, with a single exception, Tarzan refrains from bringing his animal friends to school.

The pride of lions have caused nothing but trouble. Recruiting good pupils is difficult enough as it is. Having them eaten by your son’s pets does absolutely nothing to help. Today, little John Silver was attacked. Compared to previous victims, he was lucky: he only had his leg bitten off. Bang go his chances in the area sports 100 metres, though. We’ll just have to put the poor chap in for the invitation hopscotch event instead.

Assuming, of course, that the field can be cleared in time for the sports to take place. The elephant Tarzan rides to school has been up to his old tricks again. The groundsman is going to have to work all night to clean up the mess; once we’ve dug him out, that is. (The groundsman’s going to have to go as well; he’s always putting his foot in it).

No, Tarzan must leave his lions and elephants at home. And his boa constrictor, the giraffe, the crocodile … all except the chimpanzee.

The chimpanzee can stay, it would be silly to forbid Tarzan to bring all his pets, and the chimpanzee is no trouble. Besides, it came top in the exams.

Yours sincerely,

Tom Tom
Head Teacher