TEACHER: Now, if I gave you three rabbits, then the next day I gave you five rabbits, how many would you have? |
TEACHER: Why are you late? |
TEACHER: Why are you late? |
PUPIL: I’m sorry I’m late, sir. I was having a dream about football. |
TEACHER: You’re late again! |
TEACHER (to noisy class): Every time I open my mouth, some fool speaks. |
Teacher, teacher, why do you call me `Pilgrim’? |
TEACHER: Today I’m going to instruct you on Mount Everest. |
TEACHER: Fiona, give me a sentence containing the word `gruesome’. |
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Teacher jokes and humor
TEACHER: why are you late for school again? |
TEACHER: Sadie, why are you crawling into school ten minutes late? |
You missed school yesterday, didn’t you? |
When the teacher entered the classroom, he noticed a little pool of water near the blackboard. `Who is responsible for this?’ he asked. No one replied. `I want the person who did this to own up,’ said the teacher. `Everyone close your eyes, then the guilty person must come forward and write their name on the blackboard. No one must open their eyes until I say so.’ So everyone closed their eyes. Soon there were quiet footsteps over to the blackboard, a pause and then the sound of someone writing on it with chalk, followed by more footsteps. When the teacher told everyone to open their eyes there was a loud gasp. Another little puddle of water had appeared next to the first, and on the blackboard was written, `The Phantom Piddler Strikes Again!’ |
TEACHER: Now, children, this afternoon I’m going to tell you all about a gorilla. |
Teacher jokes and humor
Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year ? |
Teacher: This is the third time I’ve had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that? |
Teacher: Didn’t you hear me call you ? |
Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions ? |
Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age ? |
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow ? |
Teacher: You new here aren’t you, what’s your name ? |
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses ? |
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher ? |
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to ? |
Teacher jokes and humor
Teacher: Can anyone give me the name of a liquid that won’t freeze ? |
Teacher: Does anyone know which month has 28 days ? |
Why was the head teacher worried ? |
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line ? |
Teacher: If I bought a hundred current buns for a dollar, what would each bun be ? |
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow ? |
Teacher: What is can’t short for ? |
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the Dog Star is ? |
Teacher: In 1940, what were the Poles doing in Russia ? |
Teacher: Why are you standing on your head ? |
Teacher jokes and humor
Teacher: What’s you name ? |
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of |
Teacher: Name four members of the cat family |
Teacher: What is further away, Australia or the Moon ? |
Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ? |
Pupil: I wished we lived in the olden days |
Teacher: What kind of birds do you find in captivity? |
Teacher: What is the plural of mouse ? |
Teacher: What’s the longest word in the English language ? |
Teacher: I despair, Fred, how do you manage to get so many things wrong in a day ? |
Teacher jokes and humor
TEACHER: I want you to report to the Principal’s office. PUPIL: But I didn’t do anything. |
TEACHER: I want you to bring your parents to school tomorrow. PUPIL: I don’t think they can make it. Would my parole officer do? |
TEACHER: You were told to bring your parents to school today. Where are they? PUPIL: They wouldn’t come. They don’t like school any more than I do. |
TEACHER: Every time I turn around I catch you doing something you’re not supposed to be doing. What can we do about that? |
TEACHER: You’re the number one trouble maker in this class. |
TEACHER: Young man, I’m going to give you a punishment you won’t soon forget. |
Teacher jokes and humor
I have one teacher who will accept no excuse for being late to school. |
One of our teachers dislikes kids. |
We had one very forgetful teacher. |
I have one teacher who doesn’t like kids. |
TEACHER: Naomi, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. |
TEACHER: You’re in real trouble now, Young Man. |
TEACHER: Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I’m sorry that I have to bring you here to school so often. |
TEACHER: Mrs. Jones, your son is a constant trouble maker. How do you put up with him? |
TEACHER: Mrs. Smith, your son is a trouble maker and we’d like to know what you’re going to do about it. |
TEACHER: Sometimes I think you come to school just to cause trouble. |
Teacher jokes and humor
It’s not going to school that bothers me so much; |
Teachers act like they know all the answers. |
TEACHER: I’m surprised. You should know the answer to that question. |
If teachers are so smart, |
I have one teacher who is so forgetful he gave the same test three weeks in a row If he does that two more times, I may pass it. |
One of our teachers is a real grouch. |
One of our teachers used to be a Drill Instructor in the Marines, |
We have one teacher who is so tough, |
None of the students likes this one teacher. |
I had one teacher who was so absent minded, once she even forgot to give us grades. |
Teacher jokes and humor
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what the wife of a Sultan is called ? |
Teacher: Where are elephants found ? |
Teacher: If you add 34,312 + 76,188, divide the answer by 3 and times by 4, what do you get ? |
Teacher: If there are seven flies a desk and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left ? |
Teacher: I wished you would pay a little attention |
Teacher: In what part of the world are the people most ignorant ? |
Teacher: You seem very well read, have you read Shakespeare ? |
Teacher: In music, if “f” means “forte”, what does “ff” mean ? |
Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks? |
Pupil: Do hams grow on plants ? |
Sports and PE jokes and humor
Why couldn’t the car play football? Because it only had one boot. |
Why did the boy come first in the 100 metre sprint? |
PUPIL: Mum, can I have a new pair of plimsolls for gym, please? |
What does PT stand for? |
If there’s a referee in football and an umpire in tennis, what do you have in bowls? |
Did you hear about the two flies playing football in a saucer? |
What’s an insect’s favourite game? |
Why were the members of the cricket team given lighters? |
How do you service your pogo stick? |
Two boys were having a boxing match in the school hall. One of the boys was swinging punches like fury but not landing any. At the end of the round he asked the games master how he was doing. `Not very well,’ said the games master. `But carry on with what you’re doing he might catch a cold from the draughts!’ |